How do you...

• induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
• cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
• cure equine insomnia? Show them in a halter class.
• get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Show them in a speed class.
• get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
• get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
• get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
• make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
• get a show horse to set up perfectly and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
• induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
• make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
• make a small fortune in the horse business? START WITH A LARGE ONE!            (from Farrier Facts March 2006)
  

Shoein’ Pigeye
By Baxter Black

“Just count me out,” said Wilford as he lay there in the dirt,
A shoein’ rasp behind his ear, a hoof print on his shirt.
“I’ll handle this,” said Freddie, “You jus’ git outta the way.
This sorry bag of buzzard bait has met his match today.”

The horse weren’t much to look at, not the kind a trader’d buy
but you knew that he’d be trouble when you looked him in the eye.
It was small and mean and glittered, as deep as Jacob’s well,
Like lookin’ down the smoke stack of the furnace room in Hell.

Freddie grabbed a set of nippers and bent to grab a hoof.
When he woke up–his shoein’ chaps were danglin’ from the roof.
His shirt tail hung in tatters and his watch had come unwound.
The nipper’s orbit finally peaked and clattered to the ground.

“You get the twitch,” said Freddie, “I’m about to clean his clock.”
He tied a rope around his neck and fished it past the hock.
The pulled back on the sideline to instil a little fear
When Pigeye bit a good sized chunk from Wilford’s offside ear.

Wilford tangled in the sideline and tried to navigate
while draggin’ ‘round the horse corral like alligator bait.
Freddie tried to stop this trollin’ with a loop around the head,
And it mighta worked if Freddie’d only roped the horse instead.

But, of course, he caught poor Wilford, who left a funny track –
– sorta like an oil slick, when Freddie jerked the slack.
By now the boys were testy and tired of this travail
they figgered they’d be done by noon, but they’d not drove a nail.

Go get the boss’s Humvee! We’ll winch him to a post."
They got the cayuse necked up tight, and set to work–almost
‘Cause the halter broke and Pigeye walked the length of Freddie’s back.
They rolled beneath the axle like two lovers in the sack.

Freddie heard the sound of gunfire like a thousand rifle choirs,
“I’ve got the sucker pinned down, Fred, I shot out all the tires!”

It was dark when Wilford stood up and laid his hammer down -
a gross of crooked horseshoe nails lay scattered all around.

The place looked like a cross between the tomb of Gen’ral Grant
and a Puppy Chow explosion at the Alpo dog food plant.
Wilford couldn’t move his elbow but he grinned and proudly said,
“Ol pard, we done a good day’s work,” to what was left of Fred.

Just look at that there shoein’ job. Them clinches in a row.
It’s such a good example we should make a video.”
Freddie crawled out from the wreckage and staggered to one knee,
“What say, we wait till mornin’ to put on the other three – ?”

Things not to say to your farrier...

• All it takes to be a farrier is a strong back and a weak mind
• He won’t stand for me either, but your ad said you were a professional
  Can you come back? We are home now.
• Let me get my twitch before we get started.
• These shoes have been on for only 12 weeks, and they are getting loose.
• Sooo, when you’re finished, do I have to wait an hour before I can ride him/her?
• My horse hates men.
• Yep, I put that stuff on their feet right before you got here.
• Every time we turn him out he throws a shoe.
• That don’t look that hard!
• Isn’t it great to be outside all day?
• Let me call my neighbors and their 5 kids. They have never seen a horse shod before.
• It sure is HOT!
• Do those nails hurt him?
• He’s normally gentle as a kitten, but it is the first time I have had a halter on him.
• Honestly, I DO clean his feet
• I haven’t ever picked up his feet, but he seems real gentle.
• Can you put these shoes on good and tight so that they won’t come off?
• He kicked the last farrier just like he kicked you.
• He’s never been that bad!! What did you do?
• The last guy I had won’t come any more. Can you come today?
• I left them out in the field because it was such a nice day. So, how much does your chiropractor run you a month?
• Sorry - that’s my cell phone. I won’t let it ring under this colt’s nose again.
• He never does that for me. My horse doesn’t kick. ...well he has never kicked before.
• Are you busy TODAY?
• Can you make his foot smaller?
• This is the first time he has EVER lost a shoe.
• Since he’s a colt, will you charge me half price?
• I used to shoe my own horses, but I could never get the angles right. Do you think you could take a little more off that back foot?
• Let me help you clear out a place to work, I’ve been meaning to get out here and straighten up this old barn...
• That’s not the way the farrier did it back where I come from.
• Can you save all the hoof trimmings for my dog?
• Boy, you must have a strong back to bend over all day like that.
• He’s just trying to swat the flies off you.

Submitted by 'Blacksmith' Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Should You Keep the Husband or the Horse?
FROM: http://www.abouttimeacres.com/JustForFun/JokesMore.htm

HUSBAND ADVANTAGES:

1. You never have to iron their clothes.
2. You never have to divorce them you can just sell them.
3. Clothing repairs do not require sewing, just duct tape.
4. You never have to share the TV or Computer with them.
5. You can force them to stay in good physical condition.
6. They may turn grey but NEVER go bald.
7. They don't come with in-laws.
8. They understand restraint.
9. They don't care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.
10. A simple fence keeps them in their OWN pasture.
11. They never leave the lid up on the bathroom stool.
12. They don't burp or keep you up all night snoring.

Automobile Alternatives

1. THE TRAIL HORSE - Your average run around town animal. Has the energy to get where you are going, the brain to find the best way to go, big enough to carry the normal sized American.

2. THE ENDURANCE HORSE - perfect for those who travel long distances in a day and try to multi task while driving. Although the endurance horse may not go to your home or office with out specific instruction, it WILL go somewhere and get there quickly.

3. THE DRAFT HORSE - Calling all soccer moms. This big guy can carry the whole team, their gear and snacks. Just like the big machines, this guy will require more fuel, and his shoes will be more expensive than the compact model, but you can move everything at one time.

4. THE WESTERN PLEASURE HORSE - The right car for the high end white collar workers. This animal works harder and requires more special knowledge so only the best can figure this out. Be sure to take your cell phone. You won't be stuck in traffic, you just won't be getting anywhere fast. Do not attempt multitasking while using this vehicle, as he will become confused and dazed if driven off course.

5. THE PARELLI HORSE - Salesmen, stay at home moms, and high school kids will all enjoy this dream. You can load him down with flapping Wal-mart bags, ask him to walk in places a horse won't fit, and you can dance with him as you listen to the latest tunes. Remember to keep him confined to the parking lot as real adventures are'nt covered in his training regime.

6. THE RANCH HORSE - The most dependable animal available. He will go where ever you ask him to, at whatever speed is appropriate. You can tie him to the stop sign and he will be there when you get back. Best of all, this model has been specially engineered to be able to go without water for days and stay fat and slick by eating sagebrush and dead prairie grass.

7. THE DRESSAGE HORSE - A man's dream come true for picking up women and showing off to all his buddies. Really high priced and sleek, this horse will get you noticed as your travel. Not the best hay mileage, and requires special additives to keep it running smoothly, but "Oo la la" won't you look good astride this horse.

8. THE JUMPER HORSE - For all those guys and gals out there that love the out of control feel of a ride run away. Nothing in it's path will slow you down, or cause you detours. Traffic jams are a thing of the past with this model as it beelines over the most daunting obstacles without fear. IMPORTANT NOTE, this model requires special safety training to use and is not recommended for those people that are easily frightened or wearing pacemakers.

9. THE WALKING HORSE - Designed with the older rider in mind, the comfort of the suspension and the torque of the driveshaft is designed to get the rider from point A to point B with little or no jarring, soreness, or tiredness. World renowned, this model is in high demand for the Baby Boomer generation and is seen all over.

Of course all models are available in base colors (sorrel, bay, black) Special order colors are available (dun, gray, palomino, champagne) and for an additional fee, custom paint jobs are also available (overo, tobiano, blanket, leopard).

No horse is sold with a warranty, however maintenance plans are available in the event brakes, steering, or accelerator fail.