Never been to Australia?
The following gem is by Douglas Adams
of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame. It is an
amazing insight into Australia - prepare yourself!
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large
amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from
orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first
looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a
wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists
assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and
plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian
Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more
frightening theory but they can't spell either!
The first of the confusing things about Australia
is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign
lands are classified as either a continent, an island, or country,
Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in
this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the
animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous,
Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids
on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be
more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia
has all of them. However there are curiously few snakes, possible
because the spiders have killed them all.
But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors
should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on),
under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere
else. A stick is very useful for this task.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus
- estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's
tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the
same way as the electric eel and has venomous barbs attached to
its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes
into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
First, a short history:
Sometime around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived
in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and
a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for
the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things
and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening
time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats
from the north. More accurately, European convicts were sent,
with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to
plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal
of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to
the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured
ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans
always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they
encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks
of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals
can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot
desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans
on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle,
but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness
and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look
deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons
for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every
morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely
tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for
making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian
beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although
anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with
sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the
bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and
surfboarders.
However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you
would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial,
jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a
stranger, unless they are American!
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems,
they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string,
and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free
from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome,
and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side
of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone"
(a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best
bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating
thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler,
though Do not, under any circumstances, suggest that the beer
is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian
beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are
fairly safe topics of conversation, (Australians don't care too
much about either) but Sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like
our country, eh?" is "Best (insert your own regional
swear word here) country in the world!". It is very likely
that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you
on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer
is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a
form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with
an astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing
strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and
waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time
in Australia, so we took him to the pub", to which the policeman
will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story
of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding
new embellishments at every stage and noting how strong the beer
was.
Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered
the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and
refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings:-
* "G'day!"
* "It's better than a poke in the eye with a
burnt stick!"
* "She'll be right mate."
Tips to Surviving Australia:
* Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason WHATSOEVER.
* The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong
you think it is.
* Always carry a stick.
* Air-conditioning is imperative.
* Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
* Wear thick socks.
* Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there
are people nearby.
* If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water
with you at all times, or you will die.
* Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there
is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
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